Sleepless nights yet unexpected inspiration and appreciation

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I want to thank someone for brightening my night, or morning shall I say with inspiration and for giving me hope and courage.

Thank- you Lost Companion

I wanted to leave you a comment or message but I wasn’t able too. (haha, just relooked and realised my sleep deprivation had left me less focused)

I started my blog in order to introduce more balance and calm into my life. I hope my blog helps others, like yours has helped me.

Your honesty is refreshing and you’re courage makes me smile, and gives me hope.

Hope is harder to find these days, sometimes I struggle to hold onto the optimism that can be found in life. Life is a journey, and I will come out stronger than before. I am a happy soul.

Unfortunately my blog is not as filled with my inner happiness as I wish it was but I have my reasons for that. Maybe one day I will open up more and discover more depth to my inspiration once again. At the moment I am thankful that I was able to rediscover the courage to continue writing this blog. Even if my novel remains on hold. Sweet dreams all 🙂

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Facing Unexpected Oppressions: I’m not the Same

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I haven’t posted in a while. Truth be told it’s because I have been too scared too. I have attempted posts on many occasions but nothing has changed in my life and they all felt too personal- too negative and not interesting. I am sick of having the same story to say. I’m a victim wah, was, wah. I have always believed in honesty. I always saw good in the world. Unfortunately it feels like the world has let me down. All I could think was, who would want to read more about me- but here it goes anyway. Have fun with my negative spiral.

It’s been over a year and 2 months since my car crash now.

I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I don’t believe I was destined to live a life of chronic pain.

I never knew the amount of pain behind car crashes.

The sleepless nights, the nightmares. The doctor visits, the countless hours wasted on hypothetical medical treatments. The money invested into solutions that only open the door to more complications, uncertainties, pain and confusion.

I want my life back.

It only took one man to take my life away. Some people would call that a melodramatic statement, and before my car crash I may have even agreed with them but tonight is another sleepless night.

On the 26th of November, one man took away my freedom. I may be still alive but can you really call my life- living.

I struggle to sleep, eat and sit. I don’t work. I barely socialise. All my hobbies are now undo-able.

I used to ice-skate, skate-board, paint, read, write, play netball, play softball etc…

the list goes on without me and my hobbies wither and die, alongside my well-being and my physique.

Before I was a size 6, 57kg, 165cm.

I was on my way to becoming a model, a writer or at the very least keeping my status as a dreamer.

Now my passion is almost lost. I am a happy person, stuck in an unfulfilling lifestyle.

Don’t exercise, they say. Find balance, they say. Sitting too much is bad, they say.

I used to be able to run for an hour. This was a major feat for me, being asthmatic.

I am a stubborn and determined person though, and I did it.

I am sick of the nerve pain, the muscle pain, the stiffness, the nausea, the dizziness….

I’d keep going but I fear you’ll get bored.

Oh did I mention the fear. I hate cars. Oh I forgot, the migraines. * I didn’t actually forget, I wish I could though but how can I when these symptoms happen daily.

They are no longer symptoms anymore but realities that I face every second of every day.

They are me now. It may never change, they say.

Compensation, they say.

I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want this. I want me back.

Someone please tell me how to get me back….

Psychologists

Physiotherapists

Doctors

Chiropractors

-done

———no hope yet

Soon to try:

Acupuncture, Remedial Massage and Soft Tissue release.

Car crashes aren’t a joke, don’t mock the injured. Be careful when you drive.

The Other Reason Canned Food Is Raising Your Blood Pressure

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TIME

If your food or drink comes out of a can, chances are it’s not the healthiest choice for your blood pressure (thanks to all that salt preserving your beans, for example.) But the latest research suggests there may be another reason to avoid canned goods. In a study published in Hypertension, researchers from South Korea found that drinking from cans, many of which have linings that contain the chemical bisphenol A (BPA), can raise blood pressure by 16 times compared to drinking from glass bottles.

The data isn’t the first to implicate BPA as a potential health hazard. Previous studies have connected the chemical, which can be found in plastics, the linings of cans and coating some cash register receipts, to disruptions in reproductive hormones such as estrogen, as well as a higher risk of asthma, obesity and disruptions in brain development in children. Exposure is almost…

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Exercise, Anxiety, Stress and Sleep

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Fun topic of the day… not.

Essential, maybe.

Or maybe I just felt like rambling again, hahaha you’ll have to wait to find out. Feel free to let me know if you found it useful, interesting or entertaining at all… after you’ve finished reading of course haha.

Anyway, it’s not secret I’m an anxiety sufferer and like many other sufferers I have also experienced insomnia. Large amounts of stress and anxiety tend to inspire such bouts of sleeplessness, thus ‘insomnia’.

It’s lovely, yet again not. Catching on to a theme are we 😛

I’ve experimented using lavender sprays, drops of herbal mixtures under my tongue, diet changes, exercise increases, meditation and lifestyle changes. Lifestyle changes you may say, I mean only sleep in my room- no other activities there, make your room a peaceful place (only happy things around you), no technology 4 hours prior to set bedtime. That’s right, you’ve spotted another one, SET bedtimes. They suck but they are life-savings when it comes to insomnia. By not having them, you are setting yourself up for failure and disturbing your body clock. Your body will naturally do all the work for you, if you have a set wake-up and bed-time, then it will expect thus prepare for these times. For example, supply the body with extra melatonin at bedtime and energy/adrenaline at wake-up times- feel free to correct me…

I wish I could say I’m wrong. I love having all-nights, crazy parties and binge-writing during my inspirational hours between midnight and 5am. I mean LOOOOOVE it but sleep wins out. I love sleep too. Today is day 3 of minimal sleep. Whether it’s due to rising tension for the impending arrival of my final university marks, the last I will ever receive before I graduate.. not to be released until the 2nd of December, 3 weeks away exactly…

Noooo, I’m not counting…. -looks left, looks right-… -shrugs shoulders-.

Or it could be the fact that for the last two weeks, since completing my last EVER university term I have had time to get back to my old exercise regime…. or well as close as possible post-car crash. Almost one year later and 5 days until my 21st. I’ve been feeling better, despite daily migraines, muscle tension and nerve, thank-you car crash!

March on people, set bedtimes and wait your body to adapt to my new body clock times. Set bedtimes and wake-up times people= good sleep times 🙂

Exercise is not a cure but it’s a great way to cope with fatigue, stress and anxiety. Stress less and try meditation and yoga.

I did and I had the best nap ever, I also had no muscle soreness or tension for 3 hours afterwards 😀 Reppin’ the Hot Yoga at Fitness First Gyms and their amazing meditation class 😛 try it peeps, if you can’t find relaxation yourself find it elsewhere. Cynical attitudes get you know where, you can’t except progress by not changing methods that don’t work. Change=adaption= progression=success

Try and if you don’t succeed, try again… sometimes you may just need to take a detour, or a different route… maybe you’ll even find a better solution around another corner.

Anyway, I’ve been attempting 4hours of low cardio a day(20km walk), weights (leg press, shoulder press, chest press, assisted chin-ups, shoulder pulls and row pulls) and floor work exercises (squats,lunges, crunches, planks, burpees, deadlifts and leg lifts). 30 min sessions of Weights 1-3 times a week with a personal trainer, or a session of Intense Cardio interval training in replacement (Stepper, Treadmill, Bike, Elliptical, Rowing machine and Floor work). Pays the Daily 4+ hours of cardio and floor work exercises, not to mention the interval training I often add onto that or do instead of the low cardio, up to or over 20km.

You see at first when I finished my last university semester I was relieved, now I feel off- usually only at night though. During the day I am extremely happy. I mean I wake-up daily at 5-6am now, instead of 8-10am previously or lunchtime if I had a choice- depending on university schedule. I’ve also had more time to work-out, I’ve chosen to take time off university and work at the moment to find myself again, away from stress.

So I’ve been doing lots of exercise. It starts off the 3 PT sessions a week, plus 4 hours of walking every second day. Then it progressed to 4 hours of walking every day, some of which included high intensity cardio or interval training on the bike or treadmill onto to the 3 weekly PT sessions, then including floor work. So over the last four days, that’s 4 hours of cardio at least per day… more than 63 kilometres, also over 120 burpees, and 4 minutes of planks etc.

I’ve suddenly either had so much energy, probably from all the exercise-induced endorphins and adrenaline. Also I once again have an appetite and thirst, it could be due to less stress or just exercise-induced. When I say energy I mean the equivalent to a child have has never had sugar and you give him a whole year’s worth of chocolate in one sitting, Yeah… now you understand. Then the next second, SMACK… horrible, blinding migraine and so exhausted I’m falling asleep whilst standing up.

So of course, things like what happened 2 days ago happen. It was 3pm, I’d had a big day-done lots of exercise, almost passed out whilst standing up—many, oh many times. Thus I took the liberty to guess I would sleep straight through to morning, I’d eaten my 6 daily servings of healthy food and drank plenty of water… so why not. Then four hours later at 8pm, I wake up starving and thirsty… thanks exercise. Loving the energy but not crazy adrenaline, the muscle pain, post-crash nerve pain and exhaustion… then of course insomnia.

You can guess what happened next, no more sleep for me until the next night … except by then after so much exercise yet again. I’m only energetic by bedtime, not tired … of course. My muscles are sore and tight, so I think… I just wait it out, I don’t want to toss and turn too much. Next thing I know 2 hours sleep

😦

Tight muscles= no comfort, trouble breathing and uncomfortable sleeping unless you’re so exhausted you pass out but you could be like me and get overtired, becoming a energetic mess then angry insomniac.

Point being, exercise can cause stress… it can cause sleeplessness… which worsens stress and anxiety. It’s one great big cycle. Use exercise to reduce stress and anxiety, increasing fitness, BONUS!

Exercise increased fitness and energy… then sleeplessness—>stress and anxiety.

What to do, what to do?

March on, set bedtimes and wait for my body to adapt to my new body clock times. Set bedtimes and wake-up times people= good sleep times 🙂

Good luck all

Anxiety, Don’t Panic! You’re not alone :) <3

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So I stumbled across a surprising video on youtube by Zoella, check it out below.

Great video on Anxiety and overcoming it!

This chick is amazing and also has a blog, check that out too!

http://www.zoella.co.uk/2011/12/panic-attacks.html

http://www.zoella.co.uk/2012/09/just-say-yes.html

She is inspiring and so very brave!

Overwhelmed but not a failure

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Pushing through stressful situations, social pressures and deadline pressures is hard. Although for some it is harder than most. In opposition to what many people believe, anxiety is very real and can be immobilising. Conversely it can be perceived negatively by the majority. Even I am responsible for being that judgemental.

When people think of ‘panic attacks’ in association to ‘anxiety’ there is a stigma attached. An ‘anxious’ person is not necessarily a ‘weak’ one. There is a whole bunch of quotes and phrases, alongside evidence that I could use to try and persuade you but that’s not my point. I’m not here to convince you or cajole you into a new perspective. That would be a falsified or forced viewpoint on your part, if you are indeed a part of my opinionated and stereotypical ‘majority’.

I wish my purpose and the purpose of this post was that simple. To force my opinion upon you but it’s not. Not that I wish to be that arrogant and bossy but…. you know or possibly you don’t..

Perhaps that is why you are still reading. Like usual I am losing sight of the point to this post. Well that’s because there is no real point, at least not one that applies to these kind of terms: to inform, enforce or enlighten.

I just want to release some of the building tension within myself. For I am an ‘anxious’ person. I have been looked down on.
Seen as ‘weak’ and underestimated. I have been patronised and coddled.

I just want what most people want, ‘happiness’. As most of you will know there is no set of instructions available to achieve happiness. I guess you could follow your soul, your intuition or only do what you want to do. Then you realise the ambiguity behind these very ideas. Maybe you want to tell me they are not even ideas but phrases, no words… no they are just meaningless.

I don’t know. I shouldn’t care… but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m ‘anxious’, ‘compassionate’ or simply a ‘perfectionist’.

It’s hard to define, perhaps we will never know. I mean it’s not concrete. Truth be told I believe nothing is actually concrete.

I mean yes I studied math, 1+1= 2… unless 1 apple is rotten and one is ripe then no they are not two ripe apples.

I don’t know if that makes sense to you but I hope it conveys the level of uncertainty in life. Or maybe I just wrote it as I felt smart typing it haha.

Sometimes, ok often life leaves you feeling out of control- jumbled or overwhelmed. I mean who do you know that’s not stressed. Well, far out I say ‘well’ a lot- at least today I am haha.

Well, back to the point like ‘happiness’, ‘stress-free’ is yet another almost unfulfillable goal that many want to achieve in life. Including myself of course.

University took stress to a whole new level for me. Sure I’m asthmatic but it goes further than that. It’s hard for me to remember a point in time where I could breathe freely… let alone do so for more than a few minutes or an hour.

it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and pushing my shoulders downward and forwards. Every part of body feels exhausted yet aches to hit something. Though I’m not a violent person and hesitate before I can hit anything..

I love sprinting and walking yet even the thought of moving my heavy body angers me. This frustration immobilises me. I have put on 23 kg since this time last year, when I had just lost 20kg.
Most days I don’t know what to do. I know what I want but motivation is scarce. Even writing this has taken me a long time to put into motion. I have written and rewritten blog posts like this many times over in my head. Too many times.

My brain refuses to help me formulate university work in a functioning manner but yet it won’t stop spinning faster than any car can drive with worries, fears, doubts and frustration.

My mum said to me a month ago “You’re ashamed!”.

I didn’t want to believe her. I’ve been taught that looking to the positive side will help you be happy. It’s a cruel kind of denial.

A suppression of emotions which intentionally makes matters worse. I struggle to fulfil both social and university commitments.

What sounds like fun on a good day, tortures me on another.

Some people would call my mood swings, ‘bipolar’, ‘depression’, ‘stress’, ‘anxiety’, ‘perfectionism’ or ‘borderline personality disorder’. Truth be told I have no idea. The way I see it, it’s just me. A me I don’t want to be. A me without a choice and without control. I don’t feel like me much anymore.

I’m 2 weeks away from graduating from my degree but it has broken me. I am bitter, lack confidence, unmotivated and discontent.

I hope that this post may make others feel like less of a failure and more normal. Not enough people are honest about these kinds of feelings. I think being honest is the first way to escape from this turmoil and find more moments of laughter, happiness plus less stress.

Love yourself before anything else. Protect yourself and still achieve. Push through your limits like they were never there in the first place but don’t ignore your emotions. Beat your doubts and fears, achieve your wildest dreams. Maybe not now, today or tomorrow but someday. A step backwards or struggling to go forwards does not mean ‘failure’, it is still ‘progress’- maybe slow but it does not have to end. Pain passes… don’t let life pass you by.. fight until the end. Motivate and enlighten yourself, don’t wait for it to happen to you- fight for it. I know you can! 🙂