Sleepless nights yet unexpected inspiration and appreciation

I want to thank someone for brightening my night, or morning shall I say with inspiration and for giving me hope and courage.

Thank- you Lost Companion

I wanted to leave you a comment or message but I wasn’t able too. (haha, just relooked and realised my sleep deprivation had left me less focused)

I started my blog in order to introduce more balance and calm into my life. I hope my blog helps others, like yours has helped me.

Your honesty is refreshing and you’re courage makes me smile, and gives me hope.

Hope is harder to find these days, sometimes I struggle to hold onto the optimism that can be found in life. Life is a journey, and I will come out stronger than before. I am a happy soul.

Unfortunately my blog is not as filled with my inner happiness as I wish it was but I have my reasons for that. Maybe one day I will open up more and discover more depth to my inspiration once again. At the moment I am thankful that I was able to rediscover the courage to continue writing this blog. Even if my novel remains on hold. Sweet dreams all 🙂

Facing Unexpected Oppressions: I’m not the Same

I haven’t posted in a while. Truth be told it’s because I have been too scared too. I have attempted posts on many occasions but nothing has changed in my life and they all felt too personal- too negative and not interesting. I am sick of having the same story to say. I’m a victim wah, was, wah. I have always believed in honesty. I always saw good in the world. Unfortunately it feels like the world has let me down. All I could think was, who would want to read more about me- but here it goes anyway. Have fun with my negative spiral.

It’s been over a year and 2 months since my car crash now.

I don’t want to be a victim anymore. I don’t believe I was destined to live a life of chronic pain.

I never knew the amount of pain behind car crashes.

The sleepless nights, the nightmares. The doctor visits, the countless hours wasted on hypothetical medical treatments. The money invested into solutions that only open the door to more complications, uncertainties, pain and confusion.

I want my life back.

It only took one man to take my life away. Some people would call that a melodramatic statement, and before my car crash I may have even agreed with them but tonight is another sleepless night.

On the 26th of November, one man took away my freedom. I may be still alive but can you really call my life- living.

I struggle to sleep, eat and sit. I don’t work. I barely socialise. All my hobbies are now undo-able.

I used to ice-skate, skate-board, paint, read, write, play netball, play softball etc…

the list goes on without me and my hobbies wither and die, alongside my well-being and my physique.

Before I was a size 6, 57kg, 165cm.

I was on my way to becoming a model, a writer or at the very least keeping my status as a dreamer.

Now my passion is almost lost. I am a happy person, stuck in an unfulfilling lifestyle.

Don’t exercise, they say. Find balance, they say. Sitting too much is bad, they say.

I used to be able to run for an hour. This was a major feat for me, being asthmatic.

I am a stubborn and determined person though, and I did it.

I am sick of the nerve pain, the muscle pain, the stiffness, the nausea, the dizziness….

I’d keep going but I fear you’ll get bored.

Oh did I mention the fear. I hate cars. Oh I forgot, the migraines. * I didn’t actually forget, I wish I could though but how can I when these symptoms happen daily.

They are no longer symptoms anymore but realities that I face every second of every day.

They are me now. It may never change, they say.

Compensation, they say.

I didn’t ask for this. I don’t want this. I want me back.

Someone please tell me how to get me back….

Psychologists

Physiotherapists

Doctors

Chiropractors

-done

———no hope yet

Soon to try:

Acupuncture, Remedial Massage and Soft Tissue release.

Car crashes aren’t a joke, don’t mock the injured. Be careful when you drive.

The Other Reason Canned Food Is Raising Your Blood Pressure

Exercise, Anxiety, Stress and Sleep

Fun topic of the day… not.

Essential, maybe.

Or maybe I just felt like rambling again, hahaha you’ll have to wait to find out. Feel free to let me know if you found it useful, interesting or entertaining at all… after you’ve finished reading of course haha.

Anyway, it’s not secret I’m an anxiety sufferer and like many other sufferers I have also experienced insomnia. Large amounts of stress and anxiety tend to inspire such bouts of sleeplessness, thus ‘insomnia’.

It’s lovely, yet again not. Catching on to a theme are we 😛

I’ve experimented using lavender sprays, drops of herbal mixtures under my tongue, diet changes, exercise increases, meditation and lifestyle changes. Lifestyle changes you may say, I mean only sleep in my room- no other activities there, make your room a peaceful place (only happy things around you), no technology 4 hours prior to set bedtime. That’s right, you’ve spotted another one, SET bedtimes. They suck but they are life-savings when it comes to insomnia. By not having them, you are setting yourself up for failure and disturbing your body clock. Your body will naturally do all the work for you, if you have a set wake-up and bed-time, then it will expect thus prepare for these times. For example, supply the body with extra melatonin at bedtime and energy/adrenaline at wake-up times- feel free to correct me…

I wish I could say I’m wrong. I love having all-nights, crazy parties and binge-writing during my inspirational hours between midnight and 5am. I mean LOOOOOVE it but sleep wins out. I love sleep too. Today is day 3 of minimal sleep. Whether it’s due to rising tension for the impending arrival of my final university marks, the last I will ever receive before I graduate.. not to be released until the 2nd of December, 3 weeks away exactly…

Noooo, I’m not counting…. -looks left, looks right-… -shrugs shoulders-.

Or it could be the fact that for the last two weeks, since completing my last EVER university term I have had time to get back to my old exercise regime…. or well as close as possible post-car crash. Almost one year later and 5 days until my 21st. I’ve been feeling better, despite daily migraines, muscle tension and nerve, thank-you car crash!

March on people, set bedtimes and wait your body to adapt to my new body clock times. Set bedtimes and wake-up times people= good sleep times 🙂

Exercise is not a cure but it’s a great way to cope with fatigue, stress and anxiety. Stress less and try meditation and yoga.

I did and I had the best nap ever, I also had no muscle soreness or tension for 3 hours afterwards 😀 Reppin’ the Hot Yoga at Fitness First Gyms and their amazing meditation class 😛 try it peeps, if you can’t find relaxation yourself find it elsewhere. Cynical attitudes get you know where, you can’t except progress by not changing methods that don’t work. Change=adaption= progression=success

Try and if you don’t succeed, try again… sometimes you may just need to take a detour, or a different route… maybe you’ll even find a better solution around another corner.

Anyway, I’ve been attempting 4hours of low cardio a day(20km walk), weights (leg press, shoulder press, chest press, assisted chin-ups, shoulder pulls and row pulls) and floor work exercises (squats,lunges, crunches, planks, burpees, deadlifts and leg lifts). 30 min sessions of Weights 1-3 times a week with a personal trainer, or a session of Intense Cardio interval training in replacement (Stepper, Treadmill, Bike, Elliptical, Rowing machine and Floor work). Pays the Daily 4+ hours of cardio and floor work exercises, not to mention the interval training I often add onto that or do instead of the low cardio, up to or over 20km.

You see at first when I finished my last university semester I was relieved, now I feel off- usually only at night though. During the day I am extremely happy. I mean I wake-up daily at 5-6am now, instead of 8-10am previously or lunchtime if I had a choice- depending on university schedule. I’ve also had more time to work-out, I’ve chosen to take time off university and work at the moment to find myself again, away from stress.

So I’ve been doing lots of exercise. It starts off the 3 PT sessions a week, plus 4 hours of walking every second day. Then it progressed to 4 hours of walking every day, some of which included high intensity cardio or interval training on the bike or treadmill onto to the 3 weekly PT sessions, then including floor work. So over the last four days, that’s 4 hours of cardio at least per day… more than 63 kilometres, also over 120 burpees, and 4 minutes of planks etc.

I’ve suddenly either had so much energy, probably from all the exercise-induced endorphins and adrenaline. Also I once again have an appetite and thirst, it could be due to less stress or just exercise-induced. When I say energy I mean the equivalent to a child have has never had sugar and you give him a whole year’s worth of chocolate in one sitting, Yeah… now you understand. Then the next second, SMACK… horrible, blinding migraine and so exhausted I’m falling asleep whilst standing up.

So of course, things like what happened 2 days ago happen. It was 3pm, I’d had a big day-done lots of exercise, almost passed out whilst standing up—many, oh many times. Thus I took the liberty to guess I would sleep straight through to morning, I’d eaten my 6 daily servings of healthy food and drank plenty of water… so why not. Then four hours later at 8pm, I wake up starving and thirsty… thanks exercise. Loving the energy but not crazy adrenaline, the muscle pain, post-crash nerve pain and exhaustion… then of course insomnia.

You can guess what happened next, no more sleep for me until the next night … except by then after so much exercise yet again. I’m only energetic by bedtime, not tired … of course. My muscles are sore and tight, so I think… I just wait it out, I don’t want to toss and turn too much. Next thing I know 2 hours sleep

😦

Tight muscles= no comfort, trouble breathing and uncomfortable sleeping unless you’re so exhausted you pass out but you could be like me and get overtired, becoming a energetic mess then angry insomniac.

Point being, exercise can cause stress… it can cause sleeplessness… which worsens stress and anxiety. It’s one great big cycle. Use exercise to reduce stress and anxiety, increasing fitness, BONUS!

Exercise increased fitness and energy… then sleeplessness—>stress and anxiety.

What to do, what to do?

March on, set bedtimes and wait for my body to adapt to my new body clock times. Set bedtimes and wake-up times people= good sleep times 🙂

Good luck all

Anxiety, Don’t Panic! You’re not alone :) <3

So I stumbled across a surprising video on youtube by Zoella, check it out below.

Great video on Anxiety and overcoming it!

This chick is amazing and also has a blog, check that out too!

http://www.zoella.co.uk/2011/12/panic-attacks.html

http://www.zoella.co.uk/2012/09/just-say-yes.html

She is inspiring and so very brave!

Overwhelmed but not a failure

Pushing through stressful situations, social pressures and deadline pressures is hard. Although for some it is harder than most. In opposition to what many people believe, anxiety is very real and can be immobilising. Conversely it can be perceived negatively by the majority. Even I am responsible for being that judgemental.

When people think of ‘panic attacks’ in association to ‘anxiety’ there is a stigma attached. An ‘anxious’ person is not necessarily a ‘weak’ one. There is a whole bunch of quotes and phrases, alongside evidence that I could use to try and persuade you but that’s not my point. I’m not here to convince you or cajole you into a new perspective. That would be a falsified or forced viewpoint on your part, if you are indeed a part of my opinionated and stereotypical ‘majority’.

I wish my purpose and the purpose of this post was that simple. To force my opinion upon you but it’s not. Not that I wish to be that arrogant and bossy but…. you know or possibly you don’t..

Perhaps that is why you are still reading. Like usual I am losing sight of the point to this post. Well that’s because there is no real point, at least not one that applies to these kind of terms: to inform, enforce or enlighten.

I just want to release some of the building tension within myself. For I am an ‘anxious’ person. I have been looked down on.
Seen as ‘weak’ and underestimated. I have been patronised and coddled.

I just want what most people want, ‘happiness’. As most of you will know there is no set of instructions available to achieve happiness. I guess you could follow your soul, your intuition or only do what you want to do. Then you realise the ambiguity behind these very ideas. Maybe you want to tell me they are not even ideas but phrases, no words… no they are just meaningless.

I don’t know. I shouldn’t care… but I do. Maybe it’s because I’m ‘anxious’, ‘compassionate’ or simply a ‘perfectionist’.

It’s hard to define, perhaps we will never know. I mean it’s not concrete. Truth be told I believe nothing is actually concrete.

I mean yes I studied math, 1+1= 2… unless 1 apple is rotten and one is ripe then no they are not two ripe apples.

I don’t know if that makes sense to you but I hope it conveys the level of uncertainty in life. Or maybe I just wrote it as I felt smart typing it haha.

Sometimes, ok often life leaves you feeling out of control- jumbled or overwhelmed. I mean who do you know that’s not stressed. Well, far out I say ‘well’ a lot- at least today I am haha.

Well, back to the point like ‘happiness’, ‘stress-free’ is yet another almost unfulfillable goal that many want to achieve in life. Including myself of course.

University took stress to a whole new level for me. Sure I’m asthmatic but it goes further than that. It’s hard for me to remember a point in time where I could breathe freely… let alone do so for more than a few minutes or an hour.

it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and pushing my shoulders downward and forwards. Every part of body feels exhausted yet aches to hit something. Though I’m not a violent person and hesitate before I can hit anything..

I love sprinting and walking yet even the thought of moving my heavy body angers me. This frustration immobilises me. I have put on 23 kg since this time last year, when I had just lost 20kg.
Most days I don’t know what to do. I know what I want but motivation is scarce. Even writing this has taken me a long time to put into motion. I have written and rewritten blog posts like this many times over in my head. Too many times.

My brain refuses to help me formulate university work in a functioning manner but yet it won’t stop spinning faster than any car can drive with worries, fears, doubts and frustration.

My mum said to me a month ago “You’re ashamed!”.

I didn’t want to believe her. I’ve been taught that looking to the positive side will help you be happy. It’s a cruel kind of denial.

A suppression of emotions which intentionally makes matters worse. I struggle to fulfil both social and university commitments.

What sounds like fun on a good day, tortures me on another.

Some people would call my mood swings, ‘bipolar’, ‘depression’, ‘stress’, ‘anxiety’, ‘perfectionism’ or ‘borderline personality disorder’. Truth be told I have no idea. The way I see it, it’s just me. A me I don’t want to be. A me without a choice and without control. I don’t feel like me much anymore.

I’m 2 weeks away from graduating from my degree but it has broken me. I am bitter, lack confidence, unmotivated and discontent.

I hope that this post may make others feel like less of a failure and more normal. Not enough people are honest about these kinds of feelings. I think being honest is the first way to escape from this turmoil and find more moments of laughter, happiness plus less stress.

Love yourself before anything else. Protect yourself and still achieve. Push through your limits like they were never there in the first place but don’t ignore your emotions. Beat your doubts and fears, achieve your wildest dreams. Maybe not now, today or tomorrow but someday. A step backwards or struggling to go forwards does not mean ‘failure’, it is still ‘progress’- maybe slow but it does not have to end. Pain passes… don’t let life pass you by.. fight until the end. Motivate and enlighten yourself, don’t wait for it to happen to you- fight for it. I know you can! 🙂

Facing Apprehension

So it’s been a long time since my last post.
The truth is I found it daunting that people I knew were viewing my blog.
When I first decided to start a personal blog it was purely for me.
I thought it would be a great way to relax and understand myself better.
I also wanted to expand my writing skills. As a writer people were always telling me I should write more and I never knew how. Then I thought ‘blogging’!
Although once I realised people could and were viewing my blog, I realised that I also wanted to make sure that other people knew that they weren’t alone.

I knew that blogging would be an easier way to forcing myself to write more and I loved it.
I am a very talkative person, perhaps too honest and open. This trait easily transferred into my blog. Although I’m sure at times my stream of consciousness writing style is overwhelming and annoying- it is pure thought. I speak or write before I think. Which if you’ve read my blog before, you probably already know this. It’s no secret haha.
Just as it is no secret that I hate structure and editing in the realm of my own work. I find it too limiting and restrictive- especially creatively.

Also as you can see and might already be familiar with my tendency to go off topic easily haha.

Anyway, I wasn’t sure how to start and had many ideas, topics and starting sentences jump at me.
Opening windows and looking at the daunting list of tasks I have yet to fulfil today- many of which I’ve been meaning to do for awhile, haunted me in my room. Even now the guy with lawn-mower next door is daring me to give-up with his distasteful melody. SLAM!
The windows are now shut and its drone is now dulled to a mere annoyance. Yet behold, glass is not that thick and I miss the fresh air, but fuck- that’s just the thing about life.

You can’t always control everything nor eliminate its unwanted acquaintances. Thank-fully he has now stopped and the air is fresh and flowing once again haha.

So after much deliberation here I am writing yet another non-sensical blog post haha.

I wanted to figure out how to express myself without embarrassing myself 😛
I wanted to share my experiences, in hopes of helping others and myself.

There is nothing better than relieving one’s self of the clutter that lays hidden, sometimes under lock-and-key in one’s own mind.

The detriment that modern day society teaches us to do to ourselves. We are taught to conceal emotions, lie to yourselves and others in order to keep peace and be responsible.

This responsibility and consideration for others- means that we are not be considerate to ourselves.

It’s called self-care. The methods of self-care are rare and few, most leave it undefined as there is no real, concrete definition.

It is a way in which people manage stress and attain happiness. Something I have always lived by is the motto: ‘treat others how you wish to be treated’, but truth be told that is giving your power away to others. Placing importance on others instead of yourself. Some people would call it ‘selflessness’. Although its very origin was selfish. People who follow this motto, aim to receive good karma and kindness by giving it to others.

Although I love this motto, today I believe in a new one: ‘choose to be happy’.
People define happiness in many different ways whether it be: money, a partner, friends, objects, laughter, physical health, mental health, fitness, career, car, appearance or their social media.
The list goes on.

For many years I was told by my parents that ‘life is what you make it’ and ‘anything is possible’.
Although true to some extent, in black and white fashion I took these approaches to the extreme.
I assumed that there was an answer, process and solution to fix anything and everything.
Truth be told, it’s not that simple but the simple things are usually ignored and over-complicated.
Sad- make yourself happy. It may seem ambiguous but sit down and take the time to ask yourself simple questions. There are no right and wrong answers or right and wrong actions.
Take away your apprehension. Why fear the unknown?
Just follow your gut and stop the bad feelings in their path. Made a mistake, don’t feel guilty.
Don’t pressure yourself. Ask yourself questions, make decisions then you will often find that you will be lead to the next best course of action- without the stress. Hopefully … 🙂

So today I didn’t want to get up. I was lonely, tired, stressed etc…
You know the works. Everyone has their own variation of those kind of mornings.
Anyway, then after scrolling through my newsfeed I came across an recommended article that reminded me of the simple things. The simple solutions that could solve my situation easily.

So I’m a big fan of Mind Body Green, they have great articles but this one got me out of bed.

No not the article-merely the first eight words: ‘Questions to ask yourself the next time’.
So I asked myself:
Why don’t I want to get out of bed?
Why do I feel this way?
What do you I want?
How can I overcome this feeling?
How can I make myself feel loved and understood at the moment?

I know talking to myself but did you know some of the smartest people in the world talk to themselves. Also if you don’t communicate with yourself, how can you help yourself?
Just think if others don’t communicate with them, how can you help them?
The go to solution we tell others is talk to us and we will try to help. Why can’t this include us and self-help?

University, Depression, Oppression and Food problems

So most days, I don’t want to get out of bed.
I can feel deep down the true me is slowly suffocating and fighting to be free.
Yeah feel free to say I’m being melodramatic but this is what it feels like.

Throughout life being lose and find themselves. Stablisation seems like a myth to me.. something I have always dreamt of but never achieved. It’s like the Willy Wonka ‘two steps forward and one step back’.

It’s funny how life can evoke your dreams yet demolish them and demean them with little effort. Life requires limitless effort and you still may not achieve.
I mean I believe in karma and hope it will all pay off. I know that my life is a lot better than many others but my moments of happiness compared to my moments of sadness is not at a level to which I am willing to accept.

Many moments in life I have had epiphanies which enlighten me and lead me to my next new pursuit. I’ve pursued graphic design, teaching, photography, marketing, software, Indonesian, public relations, creative writing and history.

My whole life society has taught me to look for my flaws and fix them.
Fat= lose some weight
Unhealthy= eat better… exercise more.. go to your gp
Sad= do things you love, be happier
Shy= socialise more
Too emotional= practice logical skills
Too creative= practice rationality and academia

Throughout life your levels of pursuit and success in certain areas shift and waver. At times I’ve been healthier, happier, more social, more or less creative etc…

Where you seek praise you often find more criticism than you wanted.
That’s when you realise that no one else’s opinion should matter.
Don’t allow the world to influence you negatively.

Beep Beep Boop

ahahahahaahahahaha

So when this post was loading what came up but beep beep boop….
If my friend Shaz could see this blog she would be rolling…
Back in the day when we were really bored we would mumble non-sensical words.
I didn’t really think anyone else did that… it was like our own kind of baby-talk. It went from weh, sweh to meh, meep, moop, boop, beep etc…

So it’s been a long time since my last post.
Sorry guys, although I’ve had plenty to say… I guess you could say I had stage fright.

ATTENTION: All Breaking Bad Fans

A Treat for those die hard Breaking Bad fans suffering through long busy boring nights without Breaking Bad on anymore 😛

Below is the link to Vince Gilligan’s (creator/writer/director of Breaking Bad) interview 😛

http://www.swf.org.au/?option=com_wordpress&Itemid=346&lang=en&p=514&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=General+-+Main+Mailout+-+Vince+Gilligan+annoucement&utm_content=General+-+Main+Mailout+-+Vince+Gilligan+annoucement+CID_dc0edf71c93799a0d53e33c2f165b50e&utm_source=Email%20marketing%20software&utm_term=WATCH%20THE%20INTERVIEW%20NOW